I have a pretty eclectic music taste, and a pretty big penchant for rock and roll, so much so that I’ve managed to rack up quite a few trips to various gigs. My issue is that I unfortunately am the average stature of a Beiber fan. Not a Biffy one. With this in mind, I thought I might do a post for the vertically challenged, and how they might survive and hopefully enjoy whichever concert they like.
Step one: Know your audience. If you’re going to a Metallica gig and you don’t expect there to be mosh pits you are stupid. Be prepared to deal with the type of audience your going to be with and create a plan of action accordingly.
Step two: Mosh pits. If you’re not one of the tallest of people you may wish to steer clear of mosh pits, think Chihuahua in an elephant stampede and you’ll get the picture. I know some people might think mosh pits are cool, but come on. Someone please tell me what is so glamorous about a strangers elbow in your eye, or constantly making face-armpit connection with a group of sweaty, hairy, frankly overweight men (that’s right, I was that soldier). So if you want to avoid this situation, I would eye up who you are standing near. The least likely ‘moshers’ would be women, children and equally small ladies like myself. Safety is in numbers and if you are surrounded by these people you’re less likely to find yourself in a mosh pit, and more likely to be able to see the action.
I must confess I have only seen this method fail once. Whilst watching Madness I had employed this tactic, however during ‘Baggy Trousers’ a mosh pit started about 20 shorties away from me. The girls standing closest to the mosh pit suddenly fell over as a result of said ‘pit’. For reasons that I still don’t understand, the girls managed to create a domino effect that resulted in a mass tidal wave of small people on their arses. The resulting visual was much like a field of fainting goats. Take heed of this advice. Make sure the people on the edge of the mosh pit are sturdy!
Step three: Piss barrier. Not everything about being short at a gig is bad! At some gigs (especially festivals) you will find a few evil individuals who after drinking too much beer, piss in a cup and throw it in the air, sharing their gift with the rest of the crowd. There are two methods to protect yourself; you could either wear that Disney poncho you got free that time, and throw self respect to the wind or you could make friends with a very tall person and stand directly in front of them. This very successful partnership will result in any piss thrown being caught mainly by your very tall friend.
Step four: Make friends. Make friends with the people around you, that way they are less likely to elbow you in a mosh pit, cover you in their bodily fluids and push in front of you. You never know when they might come in handy. For example, when you are waiting for the Foo Fighters to come on and your friend is suddenly busting for the toilet. God knows it take more than one girl to shield a friend peeing into a cup… thank you random Australian woman for your support and for your shelter.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
Push in front of everyone after skiving the support act and act surprised when people call you … well, names. You deserve it.
Shout through all the songs to talk to your friend. My friend I really couldn’t give a shit about how much you bench press, or what he texted you. If you find yourself having to shout over the Black Keys you should not be talking in the first place.
Spend the entire gig on someone’s shoulders. Love, I came here to see a band, not your size 18 arse squeezed into some size 10 shorts.
Miss L.Golightly 