Leigh (Lezark) la Leigh.

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Chanel is my crack. I’ve had a fascination with Chanel since I began my love affair with fashion and I am fairly confident I love my one Chanel piece more than any child I may have in the future. Therefore I feel obliged to share this beautiful find with all those other poor souls afflicted with an addiction to Chanel.

Her name is Leigh Lezark, she is a DJ, model and brand ambassador for Chanel. Safe to say I envy her. Much like myself she is a big advocate of the classic LBD -lets be honest here, there is never a ‘new black’ its just black- making her style the essence of chic. I mean… would you just look at those light bulb shoes? They actually light up. And that Karl Lagerfeld doll… wow. Check out the rest on The Coveteur.

Chanel

Shortie love Rock and Roll.

I have a pretty eclectic music taste, and a pretty big penchant for rock and roll, so much so that I’ve managed to rack up quite a few trips to various gigs. My issue is that I unfortunately am the average stature of a Beiber fan. Not a Biffy one. With this in mind I thought I might do a post for the vertically challenged and how they might survive and hopefully enjoy whichever concert they like.

Step one: Know your audience. If you’re going to a Metallica gig and you don’t expect there to be mosh pits you are stupid. Be prepared to deal with the type of audience your going to be with and create a plan of action accordingly.

Step two: Mosh pits. If you’re not the tallest of people you may wish to steer clear of mosh pits, think Chihuahua in an elephant stampede and you’ll get the picture. I know some people might think mosh pits are cool, but come on. Someone please tell me what is so glamorous about a strangers elbow in the eye or constantly making face-armpit connection with a group of sweaty, hairy, frankly overweight men (that’s right, I was that soldier). So if you want to avoid this situation I would eye up who you are standing near. The least likely moshers would be women, children and equally small ladies like myself. Safety is in numbers if you are surrounded by these people you’re less likely to find yourself in a mosh pit and more likely to be able to see.

I must confess I have only seen this method fail once. Whilst watching Madness I had employed this tactic however during ‘Baggy Trousers’ a mosh pit started about 20 shorties away from me. The girls standing closest to the mosh pit suddenly fell over as a result of said ‘pit’. For reasons that I still don’t understand the girls managed to create a domino effect that resulted in a mass tidal wave of small people on their arses, resulting in a visual much like a field of fainting goats. Take heed of this advice. Make sure the people on the edge of the mosh pit are sturdy!

Step three: Piss barrier. Not everything about being short at a gig is bad! At some gigs (especially festivals) you will find a few evil individuals who, after drinking too much beer piss in a cup and throw it in the air in order to share their gift with the rest of the crowd. There are two methods to protect yourself; you could either wear that disney poncho you got free that time and throw self respect to the wind or you could make friends with a very tall person and stand directly in front of them. This very successful partnership will result in any piss thrown being caught mainly by your very tall friend.

Step four: Make friends. Make friends with the people around you, this way they are less likely to elbow you in a mosh pit, cover you in their bodily fluids and push in front of you. You never know when they might come in handy for example when you are waiting for the foo fighters to come on and your friend is suddenly busting for the toilet. God knows it take more than one girl to shield a friend peeing into a cup… thank you to, random australian woman for your support and for your shelter.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Push in front of everyone after skiving the support act and act surprised when people call you … well names. You deserve it.

Shout through all the songs to talk to your friend. My friend I really couldn’t give a shit about how much you bench press, or what he texted you. If you find yourself having to shout over the Black Keys you should not be talking in the first place.

Spend the entire gig on someones shoulders. Love, I came here to see a band, not your size 18 arse squeezed into some size 10 shorts.

It’s a full moon tonight.

Yesterday I had an unfortunate incident. It was a mild evening, and my bedroom was sporting a floor-drobe of dirty washing. I had no urgent matters to attend to and so it seemed that the universe was urging me to tackle with small Everest of clothes forming and go to the laundrette. And so, after chugging a glass of wine and coercing my best friend into coming with me I finally had the courage to attempt the daunting task. (Why such a daunting task? Well, a combination of the sheer quantity of dirty clothes and the stressful nature of the laundrette. Which washers have been claimed? Did she skip the queue? Can I see a red sock in my whites? WHY HAS THIS PERSON NOT COLLECTED THEIR CLOTHES YET? I’m sure you are all aware.) Thankfully this time disaster had been averted, my washer pinged and I bent down to retrieve my clothes. Moments later I hear a small scream from my friend, I turn round to see her frankly horrified face as well as who young men with eyebrows raised so high they seemed to merge with their hairlines. It became horrifyingly apparent that I had exposed myself to the entire launderette. … thank you leggings.

I would like to first point out that I do like leggings. They’re comfortable and really versatile and so if you like them, wear them… on one condition… that they are OPAQUE. I’ve seen many a girl wandering about town seemingly oblivious to the fact that most of their arse is on display. And up until now I have rolled my eyes or internally tutted at this blatant indecent exposure. Now I understand, some of these offenders were in fact victims. They – like me – were infact completely unaware that the opaque, trouser substitute legging that they had payed for would infact become a crappy version of tights after a few washes. With this horrifying discovery at the forefront of my mind I feel obliged to make this public service announcement for all women.

How to check if you’re leggings will unknowingly make you the butt of a joke:

1) Bend over in a mirror, stretch the fabric as much as possible. Can you tell which undies you put on this morning? Yes? TAKE OFF THOSE LEGGINGS.

2) Get a (very very good) friend to do you a favour and take a picture of your arse with the flash on. Same rule applies can you see your knickers? TAKE ‘EM OFF.

This was a service announcement by L. Golightly, you are welcome.